whitewolf1400

I'm content but ready for a new beginning.

I'm sort of worried about where things are "going" with kryslyn. She's so busy. We hardly ever talk now. It's weird? AE girl keeps pulling my chain. I'm not needing a partner, but I just want someone I can call for a good time (NOT LIKE THAT...dirty bird...). I want to be able to just be like, "Hey, I had a shitty day. Let's cuddle and watch a good movie." But no. I can't do that. It's not a big deal, but it'd just be nice to share my fourtunes (or misfourtunes depending on the stress level of the week). 

 

saturday is soon approaching.

she's so QUICK and SMART. she keeps me on my toes.
I'm liking where this goes...

oh what a great lyric I just made up..

- Katie 

I want to see where this goes with Kryslyn.. She is a cool girl, my usual type. We talk for HOURS, and I mean HOURS. But it's as if I've seriously known her my whole life (wow, very cliche Katie..). No but really...it's true.

She's a cool girl. myspace.com/daverocksmysocks is her band myspace...CHECK IT. When you hear her voice, then you can agree with me on WHY I would like her. 

There's a chemistry. A natural SPARK. With Delia it was different...it was there, but it lacked a certain luster? 

I don't know. I am exhausted. I need to sleep

- Katie 

figured out what my roommate reminds me of.

any/all characters from The Sims. I can just invision a little blue diamond over her head as she walks around.


thought I'd share 

I hate that I'm read like a book, and people always know what I am thinking.

You look at me. I look at you.
You laugh at me. I laugh at you.
You take one sip. I start to break.
You take one step. I start to shake.

Every bone in my body wishes you were here.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry I couldn't say the words you needed.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the arms you wanted.
I'm sorry I couldn't be your everything.

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excitement all 'round people. excitement all 'round.

:D 

obessessed with taylor swift.
only 4'11"
single for now, but hopefully that'll change in the coming months =)
on a dating website
thinking the above statement makes me a badass in a really nerdy way
finally back at happiness.
ready for Austin!
READY FOR MY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY


katieflippindawson, and I've never been better! 

what the fuck do i do when everything i watch and see is her? house. music. other tv. conversation. i don't know whether this is my call to go back and do what I do best...get hurt for the sake of others...or I really stick to my guns this time. Is this the time where I really leave?

fuck I need a map.

I don't really have much to say. I just thought I'd post.



I really want revenge, but I just don't care that much to attain it. I don't care about attaining it because: 1: it's too much work 2: I'm not that mean 3: I'll always care to some degree, but I won't always forget. Plus I'd feel really bad about the whole thing. I can't really stay mad. Others wouldn't agree, but...it's just my nature. 

I saw her Wednesday--for the first time in ages. it was weird. She was a wreck from 4 days of no sleep anndddd constant partying. I told her she needed to sleep, but I also said that I thought she bulked up. I really think she has. But I mean that in the muscle fashion, not the you're-getting-fat-fashion. she took it offensively. I told her not to, but she did anyway. Apparently I'm mean now. I don't really know why my slight attitude towards her comes to any shock to anyone. What role am I really supposed to play now? There's no script, and frankly...I suck at improv. But...ya know...whatever. I'll be there. It'll get better the more I actually put myself in these situations. Heh. Just hope its sooner than later. 

But...anyway...

I like getting drunk. A lot actually. Straight people are fun to party with. Gay people have way too much fucking drama.

I am going to start being more of a hermit than I already am. guitar and marble falls may turn into my life soon. Sounds like a pretty good combination to me. Come the end of January is a birthday I'm not sure how I should celebrate, February contains Valentine's Day (which I couldn't give two shits about) and my birthday. I don't know how I want to celebrate my birthday or if I want to at all. Maybe I just want to go home and play guitar. Actually, I just want the first six months of this whole year to fast foward. Minus the good parts. At those designated times, God has my permission to push play. =) Hope he's appreciative. I need his help more than ever...

Hearts: 0           Broken Hearts: 3

Night.

- Katie 

If this way summer, things would be different. 

But there's college and school and many other things. 

Now things are complicated as they all start to intertwine. This is the first rock solid relationship I have had. Ever. I know I can't lose her now. I know that I will not lose her right now. 

We will have to figure things out. There will be a new game plan. I might become the wanderer I was months ago, but this will all be worth it. 

 to think this is my most carefree, fun relationship EVER is a god send. 

This girl is quite the star =)

- Katie

Me: "Did you get my text earlier?"
her: "I did... I didn't know if the inflection was sarcastic or mad or what...so I avoided it."
Me: "Ha. No. I was like...throwing it out there before I lost my nerve. But I mean, I make it obvious. But I am taking the hints and moving on."
Her: "you know I don't know what to say to stuff like that. I thin your amazing. I really really do. Idk what else to do about it."
Me: "You know that I don't want to push you to something you don't want or something you're not ready for. I can honestly say that I like you. A lot. Ever since the retreat I have seen you become the girl I have always known you to be...beautiful in every fashion. Kind to everyone you meet. The kind of person you constantly sit back and wonder how you were blessed to know them....I could go on and on But the point is...if you honestly wanted to try something you know I wouldn't let you regret it. I would treat you like the angel you are. I would be there for every trial and every glory. I would accept you for who you are and who you are to become. I dunno. I just think I deserve a shot, but I understand otherwise.
Her: "When you say stuff like that...Stuff that literally just melts my heart idk what to do...idk who i am and i know you can tell im not ready.
Me: I'm not asking you to define yourself for me. I would never ask that of you. I am asking you, what do I do? Because I don't know what I'm doing. Do you want me to stick arond lie this and take it slow? Do I keep giving you surprises like last sunday? Or is that too awkward? I don't want to push you, but I'm lost. I try writing songs to resolve the issue. I can't tell you how many nights I stay up in marble falls just trying to clearly define what it is about you. Its almost impossible. Spending that night with you was so innocent and pure...and I hadn't slept that secure and at ease in so long. That sounds weird, but I don't get that feeling often.
Her: "That night was really great. And I don't need surprises. It's truely sweet but completely unncessary...I don't need gifts or coffeeto wanna hang out. I don't wanna tell you to stick around bc idk if all i will end up doing is leading you on and then hurtin you...even if i don't wanna i will..I always do...
Me: "I don't do those things to get you to hang out with me silly. I do it so you know I care. I know I may get hurt by all of this. But I am pretty sure we are at the point in this friendship that I can't you NOT in my life. Just answer me this, would you honestly consider something with me at all?"
her: "I can't say yes to that. I won't say no. But i do not know. I have no clue whats going on with me right now. idk why I do certain things and idk why others do. idk how to stop being the person i hate so muhc. idk how i ever let myself become that person. idk why some people decided to do things to make me that person. idk who or what or why i am and idk what i want. I am fucked up. i cant let myself be with someone who will treat me right. and if i try i treat them like dirt. i don't wanna be this way. but idk how to stop. I can't find a way to control it. I don't want to make you another person I walk all over.
Me (somewhere between all that): "I reread those notes you gave me on the retrea, and I want to know that ______ regradless what happens. I want to know you, past, present, and future. That's the end point.
Me: You won't. You won't walk over me. I know what I am getting myself into. I don't just stick around for just anyone. I have seen the person you've been. I have seen the person you've become. But I have cared for you all through that. I would never leave you Caitlin. No matter what would or should happen You'll always have me. I want to be that person you can turn to. I don't want you to be alone. I have been there. I don't want that thought of you not being here on earth. If anything _____ I want to be that person you can run to for anything. No matter what it is.
Her: thankyou. I know your always here for me and i want you to know im here for you too. But i don't run to people. I should but I don't. I sit in my hole and figure it out. I force myself to lock it and take care of it on my own. Bc i know the heaviness of what i bear and i never want the people i love to feel it. i know you wanna be here for me but i can't put these things on you. its not right. they're my burden to solve. I couldn't let you.
Me (inbetween that): Listen to the rain song. I'll be that person so long as you want me there. I'll catch you when you fall, ill laugh when times are great and i;l help you figure things out when things get too much. You HAVE to know that.
Me: Sweetheart, I am fully willing to help ease your burdens. No matter how dark, no matter how heavy. You don't have to go through these things alone. I care about you too much.
Her: "I know. Idk. I just wish you were here. For the first time I think this conversation would be easier in person."
Me: Do you want to finnish this later today then? I would come right now, but the alarm is on...
Her: "Ha yeah no im not asking you to come right now. its just i rarely get the balls to talk about real stuff in my life you know what i mean...anyways...are you going to church tom?"
Me: Ha, yeah I'll be there.
Her: Good I'll see you in a few hours.
Her: Well, I am going to attempt to get some sleep even though for some reason I am WIDE awake. Goodnight:) sweet dreams dear



=)

- Katie

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide / Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall
on everyone
So Rest awhile / it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

When the rain comes / I will hold you



it gets sad how easily you make it for me to like you.

it's even sadder that you keep pulling me through this.

I guess I'm the sucker this time.

I kissed her.

And I'm not ashamed.

I had once thought that my next kiss would be something I regretted. That it would be out of pure impulse and lust, but it wasn't. I like her. I can/could see myself being with her, but she and I both know it isn't going to happen--not now at least.

I felt so pure with her. We laid there on my bed just cuddling and talking about things--her flaws as well as my own. She played with my hair. She ran her hand up and down my back in such a genuine, comforting motion I couldn't help but settle. Everything felt so right. I kissed her cheek. I kissed her forehead. I kissed her hands. Innocent in every manner, but I wanted to kiss HER. I told her there was an impulse I wasn't sure whether to act on. She told me she knew her boundaries. I told her I didn't want to become a threat. She said I wouldn't--he trusts me.

He trusts me? ...he trusts me... His best friend trusts me. If I betray the soon boyfriend I consequently betray his best friend.

I didn't kiss her. I waited.

Actually, I stopped cuddling with her at that point. I tried to remove the temptation, but there's SO MUCH CHEMISTRY I couldn't help to cuddle once again. I somehow removed myself out of the situation. Then she started playing with my hair/gave me a neck message. She knew what she was doing, and she got my attention. I told her--jokingly--that that was just too cruel to do someone who has been single this long. She laughed and said I liked it. I didn't deny it.

We grew silent for a while, and things once again grew innocent and pure. We looked at each other. I grew closer. Fact is I just wanted to be closer to her. I wasn't fishing for anything. I just felt so natural with her. Nothing was forced. It just happened, and I went with it.

There was a wave of chemistry. I sensed it. She sensed it. I met her as I sat up. There was a pause. Then it happened. 


_______________________________________________

I wish things would have stayed that pure. That girl and I never got together. Actually last time I saw her was graduation night. Okay, I lied. I saw her after a graduation party because my friend didn't want to be third wheel. it was awkward. She became so unattractive to me that I was not myself. I was somewhat of a bitch, but it happens I guess. She backed off for a while, played with my head a little more, but then eh. She kind of just went away. 

I suppose that was for the better. I dunno what I would have done if something would have happened between the two of us. That's the last time I really was "with" anyone. I'm trying to talk to another girl, but I'm not going to push it.  She's too special of a girl to push. 

My life has had its ups and down this summer. ACTS retreat was quite amazing I won't lie. I broke during an adoration block. I just crumbled. I dunno how long I was in there--a good while I suppose. Emily eventually came and made sure I was okay. Phil was kind enough to get her--come to fnd out. I don't know WHAT it is about ACTS. It changes people. Kelly told me that when I signed up. I didn't believe her, but eh. I'm a critic and a skeptic. ACTS really was the turning point this summer. Everything I put my heart in to came together THAT weekend. It paid off. From letting go with every burden I had...I finally knew that I FOREVER have/had a famiy. 

Orientation was just this past week. My dad and I got into a real heated discussion about Padre Pio. Maybe he thinks I'm going to turn into a Catholic, which I probably will given more thought....but really...he just drove in that I am "reliving my high school days" by sticking around. I need go "grow and live life" outside of my roots. THATS what he did, so apparently that should work for me as well? I told him that didn't fly. For a person in my position, finding a congregation of ANY kind that accepts me for WHO I am is one of a kind. It's hard for a person like me to find any acceptance or true family feeling. You have no idea how AT HOME I really am when I am here at the Weinzetls. It's wave after wave of teasing love and warmth and happiness I really don't get at home. Okay--I do, but it's on a way different scale. Family bonding consists of watching tv. A lot. Once family dinners plus the following movie or tv show watching, we all kind of split into our own corners. Usually I play guitar, dad goes to his office, and mom continues to watch tv. This family is so interactive in each others lives I can only DREAM of giving my future kids this amazing gift. I think that's where we differ. My dad wants me to grow and expand my wings beyond what I know because that's what he did. But little does he realise, he LEFT HOME so he HAD to cast a new webbing. I am staying here--in san antonio. My life is here. This has been my true calling. God had somehow called me back home and has given me strength and my true self. WIthout San Antonio, I wouldn't be here. KatieDawson would just be another name on a tombstone somewhere. 

I hate the thought of leaving this place come next year. I know that UTSA isn't the school for me. It's filled with drugs and random sex and ahhhh digusting-ness. Don't get me wrong, it's good in some extents, but it's just a matter of finding it. I am there to get my education, and move on. Now I know that UTSA ANNNNNNNNND Austin both have their drugs, random sex, and what-have-you...but Austin is where I need to be. Or you know, perhaps it's Lousiana that may be my calling. I think with all this, I may decide to apply to LSU for kicks and giggles. See if I can get in. Maybe that's where I need to go. To go "home"? I haven't been since I visited. 

This all seems like one long stream of conscienceness. I am not quite sure if any of it makes sense. But eh. 

That's what you get for a 1:26 in the morning entry eh?

- Katie

 

I blame her for the re-occuring wounds.


God when will her grasp on me let go.


I can't blame her. I can't I can't I can't.

But I will.

Because I'm not strong enough to figure this out on my own.

- Katie

I hope I don't get hurt this time around.

She seems different. She tells me her faults. I know full well what's all going on. But I can't stop talking to her. I like being around her. Bottom line is that she makes me happy.

Let's hope something comes of it.

- Katie

skip this entry. It's pointless for you to read.



TOOOOOODAAAY I was supposed to hang out with a girl. That didn't happen. She flaked. She didn't mean to, but she did. Essentially, she forgot her parent's anniversary was/is today. So, she bailed. Okay, fine whatev. We reschedule for tomorrow. She bails again. She informs me that her boyfriend of now 6 months is coming down and wants to take her out to dinner and all these nice things. To be honest, I'm jealous and mad at the same time. This boyfriend who she now doesn't even really like is going the opprotunity to hang out and spend time with a girl who in all fashion ...doesn't have the slightest bit attraction towards him. Or maybe she does, but it's pretty dismal at this point. This is now coming up on the second time I'm really trying to go for this girl. To be honest, there's more of attraction with her than the other girl. We just have that natural spark. I'm naturally attracted to her. Not saying that Jackie's isn't natural. It's just a grown attraction, ya know? Anyway, Caitlin feels really bad. I really wanted to just curl up into a little ball. How many times do I seriously have to put myself out there? Come on.

What pisses me off though..in thinking about this for an hour. Is the fact that I am second guessing that I should even GO for a relationship at all. I mean, with all of Sailer's bullshit, non-sense she told me during our epic world war three battle...I'm constantly second guessing myself in every aspect. "Am I texting her too much?" "Was that TOO straightfoward?" "Is that too open?" Like jesus fucking christ, am I ever going to be rid of my scars? I'm fucking tired. I'm completely, fucking tired. But I'm too bitter within myself to keep writing songs about her. I really, just want to sit her down and be like, "Just let me throw verbal punches at you right now just to get it out of my system. Just for my own gratification. It's selfish and wrong and completely everything I am, but god damnit I never once truly told you anything." It's true. I never once did. However, in all of this I wonder if she's just someone I can blame, a scapegoat. Or am I truly what she said, and I'm just now realising all of this?

I'm just so afraid of myself in relationships. Really, the path to reach a relationship. I always somehow find a detour I didn't know I was taking...and end up in the dreaded friendzone of life. To this I really don't mind...more friends...more of a safety net...more optimism I suppose. However to any accord, I'm afraid I'm going to struggle to find my "relationship voice" For me to somehow break this never ending cycle of bad timing, or even WITH good timing my inevitable knack of ending up being that "could have been" friend. I am fucking sick and tired of putting my whole self out on the line. For once, look past the risk of losing the friendship...if you even TRUST me in the slightest regaurd you'll know I won't let that happen...for once...for ONCE look at me. Look at me in the light I know exists. I don't just try things without reason. Anyone who knows me in the slightest bit knows that. I look at every aspect. If I think there's something worth persuing...I'll go for it, and you'll know. I make it obvious 'cause frankly I can never conceal my feelings. If you're that something...just give it a shot. Give ME a shot. If it doesn't work out, cool. At least we tried to figure out what feelings they were. But what justice does it do when they go unpersued?

exactly.

There's a new song in the works.

It's not exactly new. But I think I'm ready to re-live those words.

:)

- Katie